I wish not to see anyone at this period of time. I wish not to attend any wedding, school reunion, family gathering. I dont want to see new people. I dont feel like mingling. I dont feel friendly. Not today. Not now. Coz i'm FAT. And i'm depressed. And i hate people telling me how gigantic my ass is now. I know. It's my ass.

I put on 3 kg since my wedding day. Additional 3 kg doesnt sit so well on an already bloated figure. My cloathes dont look good on me. I hate them! But i refuse to buy new clothes in bigger size. It's an admission, an acknowledgment, an acceptance of the new fatter me. I hate myself. Duan, i know you love me. But i'm not sure if you really mean it when you said i look ok. Coz i dont feel ok.

I dont want to get pregnant (not yet) but somehow i silently pray that this weight gain is caused by the baby that's (actually not) growing inside me. So when pretty gals come to me and tell me that i look fattter now, i can tell them sweetly, "i tgh pregnant..." . But i'm not pregnant (last time i check) and i'm not ready to love any other human being more than i love myself. So, a baby is soooo not wanted now. Thank you. And yes, quit asking me, ko dah berisi ke sekarang ni? Bosan.

Oh, did i mention that i HATE my hair? It's too long. Panas. Buruk. KG. bENCI. No amount of rebonding would make it look good. Wanted to cut it short but Duan LIKES it LONG. So, my dear... i will grow my hair long enough that people will mistake me for some pontianak. Just for you dear. Besides, if i ut it short, it will emphasize my no-so-small face. Babi. Life is full of choices you cant make.

Am moving to Bangi soon. Not planning to drive. With the recent increase in fuel price, Johan drinks more than i can afford *sigh* So, i'll be taking the train to work. Let's say court/office starts @ 9, so journey frm Bangi to Kl Sentral will take about 45 mins, grinding thru crowd to get a place in LRT to Masjid Jamek/Dang Wangi takes about 20-30 minutes, misc 30 mins (gotta have buffer, you'll never know what's coming your way). Total= about 1 hour 35 mins. Wah..wah.. wah.. nampaknye saya kena bangun awal pagi untuk pergi kerja. Saya tak suka!

Benci ah. Benci betul.

Saya rasa sedih dan tak keruan sekarang. Laki saya pun rasa pelik. Kejap saya ok kejap saya tak ok. Jangankan laki saya, Saya sendiri pun pelik. I should be able to control things. I mean, it's my body and my feelings and my state of mind. If i cant control them. I cant control anything in this world. Like i cant make rain or change the river flow or the fuel price. I can only hate myself. Even more. Now.